Letting go will never be easy especially if it's saying goodbye to your loved one. More than a month ago, my cousin Mark Philip died in a tragic motorcycle accident. Having shared a lot of good memories since we were children, accepting his death was rather a tough thing to do for me. It took me time before I finally realized that no Kuya Mac-mac will be able to come for Christmas, no Kuya Mac-mac to serenade our family during reunions, and no Kuya Mac-mac to make us laugh. What made things harder was I was not able to go to province for mourning.
When the news was delivered, all that was left for me to do was to take it all in. Kuya Mac-mac being young, lively and robust, I could not believe what was said to me in the first place. The first stage came in: denial. When you love somebody and his death came in with a whim, we tend to deny it. And that's what I did.
I went pallid. The horrifying news sent shivers down through my spine. My brain was already processing the information but my heart wasn't believing anything. I needed confirmation. I called up my mother to verify it and when she did, I couldn't stop tears from falling down from my eyes. It was the truth. It was confirmed but I just can't accept it. I just couldn't let him go.
The idea of going to Isabela initially struck me but since I'm in the middle of studying with grueling tasks ahead of me and my mother thought that giving the money instead to Aunt Bebot was better, my attempts went into a demise. The wounds from knowing had been reopened again. I was not able to see him for the last time.
I was not at his last moments, I was not able to grieve. All the pain I kept in my heart was suddenly released in my Filipino subject where a supposed journey in my imagination turned out to be a goodbye message from my cousin. Though my teacher just wanted to know who I was with in my journey, I kept on crying, telling stories of apologies and regret to my cousin I was not able to bade a proper goodbye. After that I felt refreshed. Crying is a means of mourning and I guess whatever hangups I did have vanished suddenly.
As October came into a close I realized that I had finally fully accepted the truth. Acceptance. Maybe I wouldn't share any moments with him any longer in this lifetime though, but I've still got good and happy memories to ponder on.
He will always be remembered as the "true lover", the good boy and the son who wanted to finish his studies for his family.
I am going to see him another time. And I'm looking forward to that.
**
Oh, I made a post about him one time.
When the news was delivered, all that was left for me to do was to take it all in. Kuya Mac-mac being young, lively and robust, I could not believe what was said to me in the first place. The first stage came in: denial. When you love somebody and his death came in with a whim, we tend to deny it. And that's what I did.
I went pallid. The horrifying news sent shivers down through my spine. My brain was already processing the information but my heart wasn't believing anything. I needed confirmation. I called up my mother to verify it and when she did, I couldn't stop tears from falling down from my eyes. It was the truth. It was confirmed but I just can't accept it. I just couldn't let him go.
The idea of going to Isabela initially struck me but since I'm in the middle of studying with grueling tasks ahead of me and my mother thought that giving the money instead to Aunt Bebot was better, my attempts went into a demise. The wounds from knowing had been reopened again. I was not able to see him for the last time.
I was not at his last moments, I was not able to grieve. All the pain I kept in my heart was suddenly released in my Filipino subject where a supposed journey in my imagination turned out to be a goodbye message from my cousin. Though my teacher just wanted to know who I was with in my journey, I kept on crying, telling stories of apologies and regret to my cousin I was not able to bade a proper goodbye. After that I felt refreshed. Crying is a means of mourning and I guess whatever hangups I did have vanished suddenly.
As October came into a close I realized that I had finally fully accepted the truth. Acceptance. Maybe I wouldn't share any moments with him any longer in this lifetime though, but I've still got good and happy memories to ponder on.
He will always be remembered as the "true lover", the good boy and the son who wanted to finish his studies for his family.
I am going to see him another time. And I'm looking forward to that.
**
Oh, I made a post about him one time.
November 12, 2007 at 3:10 AM
aww.. condolence.
my lola died when my 2nd year of h.s. was about to end.. it was a sad affair pero i really can't say na we were close.. so un.
it was sad talaga pero parang indifferent at the same time.. ewan. but this is not saying naman na i'm wishing to experience a death of someone really close to me; hindi lang ako masyadong maka-relate.
at medyo hindi o ayaw kong gumana ang imagination ko in this case..
:)
pero i feel the pain naman.
btw, i lab the piktyur! kahit harry potter siya at medyo walang kinalaman sa post..
;P
November 12, 2007 at 9:40 AM
thanks.
it's a different feeling lalo na if your relative passed away kasi in a way you have shared something.
in the case of my cousin, close kami and summer and christmas lng magkasama so masakit tlg.
gnun tlg.
**ung picture ni harry potter. nakita ko sa deviantart. i thought that it was sad. coz sirius was up there and harry looking up above. senti.
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